Monday, August 4, 2014

Jump the Gun: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Jump the Gun is a semi-weekly article where two or more HiddenLevel contributors voice their gut reactions to upcoming movies. Their opinions are based solely on what trailers, press releases, and information is available around the internet, oh, and of course their own personal bias towards the source material. None of the opinions are based on actually having watched the movie. Each reviewer retains the right to change their view after having watched the movie, if they ever bother to do so. After all, who wants to waste their money on a movie that looks like it’s going to suck? Unless you’re into that kind of thing.

(August 8, 2014)

Movie Summary: 4 Mutant Ninja Warriors save the city from the Foot Clan and their evil kingpin Shredder.

Brunpuppies - Gawddamnit!  Why can’t this movie look good?!  I love the Ninja Turtles, but this friggin’ thing looks like such a steaming pile of turds.
In the late 80’s I had Turtlemania big time and I just had to have every action figure and comic book featuring the green teens that I could.  The first movie is still one of my all time favorite comic book movies.  My love for the Turtles faded a bit by the time the third movie came out, to the point where I don’t think I saw it until it was on basic cable.  I didn’t really take much interest in them when they made their comeback in the early 2000’s although I was really happy when the TMNT movie came out, especially since it featured Casey Jones.  Recently the Turtle Power has surged back into me due to the highly entertaining IDW comic and the outstanding Nickelodeon cartoon.
The monstrosity produced by nostalgia crushing tyrant, Michael Bay, just looks, well…...crappy.  I have all the usual fanboy issues;  Why do the Turtles have lips and noses?  Why are they so f**cking HUGE?  Why is Shredder some white dude?  You mean to tell me Shredder created the Turtles with April’s dad?  Johnny Knoxville is the voice of who? Where the hell is Casey Jones?! It just seems like anytime there is more news on this movie it gets worse and worse.  It just doesn’t make sense considering there are two awesome versions of the Turtles that exist in the comics and TV that they can draw inspiration from, yet instead we get Monk doing the voice of Splinter.
It’s a damn travesty.

Verdict - I’ll see it in theaters because I secretly hate myself and because I LOVE BEING A TURTLE-fan!

Kevshiro -  What have they done to you all.  A revamp of the story.  Really.  Did the TMNT really need a revamp or re-imagining at this point.  God no!  Stick to the story.  Yeah, the original was kinda hard to believe but that’s what we grew up with and that’s what we want.  I say we start a law, yes a law.  that says, no movie studio can recreate a film unless 100 years has passed.  That way, all the people who grew up loving the characters and films have died off and a new breed of people can start a new story.  Kinda like what they did with the bible back in the day.  You had the Old Testament God.  And the new one.  Nevertheless because I just have to see what kind of awful crap they’ve created, I will plop down my hard earned cash to see what a mess they’ve made of it.

Verdict - I love pain!!! Put me in the theater seat.
SolidMike - I strongly disagree with both Kev and Bruno on this one. This movie is going to be a complete train wreck. The story and the characters are way off when its compared to the original story, so I will definitely pass on this one.

Verdict- Hell “to the” No

If you're having trouble seeing the movie below, click here.


  1. Here is the reason these movies will never be what you and any other "fanboys" want them to be and there will be more revamps and re imaginations of every single one of our childhood favorites. THEY AREN'T BEING MADE FOR US! The studios don't give a horribly designed rats ass whether we like what they do or not. The point is to get the younger generations interested and as I have experienced with my 6 year old nephew the old cartoons and movies (or movie since the 2nd and 3rd were worse than this one looks honestly) just don't do it for them no matter how much we try to force it down his throat haha. These movies will keep being made as they are because bigger and more outrageous is what the "kids" want to see and since at some point most of the people bitching about them will see them anyway the studios don't care. So basically you can all now stop expecting them to make something the way you want it done cuz it isn't gonna happen. Just enjoy the fact that they are even still relevant in this possibly awful or decent form.

    1. I understand what you're saying. I'm not against change. The new Ninja Turtles cartoon changed a lot from the old Turtles, but it's awesome. Honestly, I think it's 10 times better than anything that has come before. It's respects the characters we know and love and it adds to them. The Turtles are really charming and I'm glad the show is doing great.

      This movie just looks like spectacle for the sake of spectacle. The character designs are really bad, the property is in the hands of people that don't respect the material, and it really doesn't look very fun.

      I don't think it's too much to ask that a movie be "good''. Yeah, the Transformer movies make money, but there is no way someone could call them good. The new Turtles movie looks to be the same way.

      I'm a huge Turtles fan and I have every right to expect them to be treated right. Marvel respects their characters and their movies turn out great. It's not too much to ask that other studios with other properties do the same.

    2. I actually thought the most recent trailer for this looked kind of enjoyable and the I only really hated the 2nd transformers movie. I thought the other two were decent so maybe I am just really easily entertained haha.

      Marvel respects their characters now but it wasn't really until Iron Man ended up being a hit that they really cared. I mean they allowed Daredevil to be made after all.

  2. I agree that the new trailer does make the movie look a lot better. Far from perfect, but better. I enjoyed the first and third Transformers movies but I also think they're bad movies. There are plenty of terrible movies I still like to watch.

    As for Marvel, it wasn't until Iron Man that they had full control. Before that is was other companies the had the licenses for different characters. All the movies Marvel Studios has worked on have been treated with respect. Daredevil was all Fox. And I think that movie gets a bad rap. I don't think its worse than the Michael Keaton Batman movies, I don't care how much people want to praise Tim Burton.